Tra la la

So,
I made it three days without smoking- with an even head. Tonight I had a cigarette and I really dont miss it.

Even a few days without feels pretty great. I've been doing cartwheels and hand stands and flips. Climbing. Jumping.

My friends aren't supportive at all. Of course they don't want me to quit without them. If they were the one's quitting it would be a different story. Shannon is really cool about it. She did it a long time ago. I'm not sure when.

Oh, I have only smoked in front of Anthony and my mom. So, as far as everyone else is concerned- I quit smoking May 21, 2010.

Why do we describe a perfect sphere of collapsing mass as a hole?

So, If super massive black holes create the circumstances under which stars are born, the outer rign of planets and stars is being "pushed away" from it while consuming a center group of planets and stars, and it will "stop feeding" once that center is exhausted, then.. when it "stops feeding," there wont be a galactic environment close enough to us to suppoert the live of stars? no racing gases produsing heat? No stars being born, just stars dying out? No more light?

We could plant our own black hole. Once we understand the structure of a galaxy and the nature of a black hole and its relation to any such galaxy, we could then determine a "safe" place in the univers to grow our one super massive black hole once this one "stops feeding."

That is to say- if it does "stop feeding." If it does- what if it gets the munchies?

provoking madness

1.

It's been a long time since I've seen a Mac freeze. I thought to myself, should I start this with some undeniable fact? Some historical truth? Something deep and meaningful or perhaps Precise and supported with references and Names and Dates. Precisely my point. I'm not sure I believe in destiny or Karma. I'm not quite happy with its current outfits either. Statistics, Chance, probability, trends, coincidences. Theory. I believe that existence is a mathematical equation. So, you must understand how tormenting it is to know that it cannot be defined. It has no definition in any sense. You can add it all up, divide it into pieces, subtract the memories you don't need and then multiply the possibilities to come up with everything that might be and never was. And the only solution to defining the undefinable? Do exactly that. Name it. Life.

2.

I feel sick. Nauseous. Perhaps, its what I did or didn't eat today. The weed I just smoked with my sister? The percocets Robbie gave me last night? One might think attitude is a result of these abuses. You know, If a person is depressed or paranoid or has panic attacks (not that I do or anything), it might be plausible and therefor appropriate to place blame on the fact that they have a far reaching effect on one's attitude, emotions, judgement and various other physical and mental factors. I say however, that I'm just having fun with a soul that already existed. Of course drug use, diet, sleep habits and all other parts of my life have a direct effect on who I am as a person. Daily. Instant by instant. I have no doubt that while these things are not the cause, they definitely have a negative effect. Just before completing the last sentence I thought to question... oh now I cant remember. A pause for thinking.

I questioned whether I was currently using these abuses as an alternative. Not as an alternative to a cure necessarily, and perhaps even as a cure. I have no need of drugs. I am not addicted. I dont use them on a regular basis, even. I dont feel need or want for them when I dont have them. I am not bothered when I cant have them and I dont always want them when I can. Back to the point of course. What was it?

3.

Its funny, the amount of time I could save if I just did things, instead of thinking about doing them. I'm not talking about saving the world or curing AIDs(I actually think about not saving the world and I never entertain the thought of curing AIDs), I'm talking about turning on the TV. About picking up the remote and turning it on. I'm thinking about changing the channel. Reading the name of the program at the bottom of the screen and barely taking the time to look at what's actually happening on the screen. I'll stop every now and then to see if anything gives me a laugh, but mostly I'm just looking for something that catches my eye. Until I get to the Dance Music channel, then chances are ill just wait for my ears to hurt. You know, just after that short lapse in time where the channel is actually changing and you can hear the sound of no audio input ringing- when the music actually comes on. Anyway, its even worse when I'm trying to complete another task. Like writing this. This is what I'm doing, and yet it's not. After all that time flipping channels I realized that I really didn't even want to turn the TV on, and I could have spent this time writing.

4.

I was basically saying that I'm not dependent on drugs. Probably just to try and redirect your attitude after my comment about percocets. Is that cool? I mean, maybe that'll give me a little saucy edge that will make kids want to read this book. "Hey, dude did you check out that book by that dude he talks about drugs and stuff. I'm so cool because I'm reading it." Of course, there will be people who wont read it for that reason. Perhaps there will be some people like me. The paranoid ones that say, "Maybe he just talks about drugs for that reason." In which case, if you really are like me, you wont read it for that reason. Is that a trust issue? Who needs so trust someone you don't even know. Let him sell it to you, how else will you decide whether or not you want it?

Thats a highly destructive attitude by the way.

5.

"I love you. I Think I'm going a lot faster than I thought I would."

"Going where faster?"

He wont remember I said that.

Captain

So, after six years of love- it certainly hasn't won.

my captain,
these walls are no thicker than the ones ive lived in my whole life. i see our ship waiting in the harbor, and i wait for it to set sail.
your angel.



I was really ready for this year. The boy I love and I had made it. I moved home to this hell hole to set everything straight. To try and make something of this life. All of the life I wanted to make included him. It had been a long time since I saw the love we had, but just before years end someone made a comment- "he will never leave you, and you will never let him go." When told this I was pretty upset. Among this comment were others about how we would never be faithful, or be alright. "The happier we are, the more everyone will talk shit," he said to me. I hesitated talking to him about it since I was so upset, but for the first time in a long time he made me feel confident about what we had. That he loved me. Really.

Just before New Year's Eve he got upset that I hadn't asked him to go out for the evening. I was so excited. I was determined to have fun. Determined to start a change in my life that meant enjoying it, regardless. I stopped asking him to come visit a while before, because he could never get off work and never had the money. So, I was pretty surprised when I realized he was upset that I didnt ask him to spend NYE with me. And of course, I dropped my plans because I wouldnt have preferred anything else.

I only had two resolutions. One was to quit smoking. The other, which I held closest and above the other was to make things with us what they could be, and what they shouldve been for the past six years.

There is no doubt in my heart- and no doubt in my mind, that I love him. The best and worst relationships have one thing in common- the bond, the feeling, the love that holds strong through the better and through the worst. We have it. We have always had it. And when there were times when I thought I didnt want it, he reminded me. He reminded me of how special it was. When I had my doubts he made me feel sure of what we had. When I was afraid he made me feel safe.

So, after all the years and ups and downs I finally found the sureness in myself. With no doubt in my mind that he meant everything to me, I intended to do everything to make it known.

great timing.

We are both princes...

This isn't working...

da da da

one was there for many years
two was there through many tears
three made me face all my fears
now all of them are gone

one said we'll get through this weather
two said we'd be friends forever
three said we should be together
all of them were wrong

ill be happy

Ok?

I'm rolling for the second time. Nothing like a dopamine boost to temporarily put one in a seat where one can see over all this cloud. The trick is actually looking-

These days ive been really lost. All my days I suppose. But no one knows tomorrow. And instead of drifting around in the fog I ought to be putting all these thoughts of yesterday to good use.

When did I get so DULL?!

One feeling allowed-

The path I saw before me dissipated.

The feelings I said I wouldn't accommodate

Were given no space.

Anger was my only ticket

To the audience I demanded with myself.

And we begin.

In this room all things exist as memory.

And when I emerge from my fear and this space

Most remain only this.

I meet myself, and myself, and myself

And all of me that you have met while I was away

In the center we have found.

Atoms shift before me

Like clouds in a breeze

And the changes are much harder to accept.

-----------------------------------------------

My self is like is like a little house

One never seen but always noticed

Each room inside exceeds its space

unfolding like a lotus.

Inside some walls are painted black

Some hide behind collages

Some rooms do not have walls at all-

Some seen are just mirages.

Yet in each room I sit and wait

As each shifts place to place

And when you come a'knocking

One door opens to my face.

A room once vast and limitless

Now shallow, dimly lit

In which I now provide a tour

and thats the me you get.

Ill see you out after a time,

perhaps after a drink

And then the me's abandon post

to gather 'round and think.

Discussions of who I let in

and then whether or not

to let the me you met face front

the next time that you knock.

..two feelings aloud.

2009

The year is half over and I had hoped that in the time that has passed things would be very different.

Major change is inevitable, I hoped that it would be different.

So why don't I actually say something for once? That's when it gets dull.

Anyway. My curent scheme is going to have to be executed quickly and with much stress. I think if like to go to Boston. It makes the most sense right now. In the sense that I have family and friends there. In the sense that I won't need a car. In the sense that its a real city. Bunker hill community college would be fine for a semester and then I can opt for a term abroad or a real school. I'm so behind. I feel.

I'm battling some heavy things. I'm still drifting through life barely participating. I am so bored. Robert hasn't saved any money. He isn't making any effort to move or stay in Baltimore it seems and while I know I will be fine as a vagabond without money or board I'm afraid he will end up back on the shore.

I don't want him to come just to come... And I'm afraid that in this selfish stage I won't be very accommodating to his current state. He doesn't care.. Something I got over and am trying to change.. This won't work.

I'm at home now. Its independence day. We are so independent. Humanity really does suck. I'm just trying to make it through.. And enjoy myself.

Even the best of friends...

I feel the shifts. Its as if the universe is parting before me revealing piece by piece a structured path along which I might make moves. Moves that may seem no different than the ones I am afforded now, but completely different in their outcomes and the opportunities they present should I choose them as an alternative.

The life I lead now is stagnant. The roads I walk here and the activities in which I partake are not limited to this place. This place does nothing to inspire or even provide the means for action. I lack conviction and purpose here and for that I am constantly unsettled. The small comforts I have tried to maintain in order to convince myself I have a life here lead to nothing but bills and obligation and everytime I try to put my nose in the grind, accept this place and do what I must to survive I make it only long enough to find my way to the next task. Task by task I struggle to make something mine only for all these trivial and undesired attachments to require of me a complete upheaval after which I am left again to rebuild the life I do not want. Friends, events, outings and the daily fight against boredom and a complete lack of mental stimulation. Things. I can have these things anywhere I choose and yet I cannot here.

I am a desired part of the lives of many and they go to great lengths to convince me I shouldn't stray from them. But for myself I must make the choices necessary to have a life to share. And if they are so enamored they can shift their lives so that our paths meet again. They may shift their lives to remain a part of mine, as I have sacrificed having a life for so long for the sake of simple attachments.

If I have no choice but to live then you bet your ass that's exactly what I intend to to. This is it, people. Maybe ill see you. Maybe.


...must part.

quantum physics

So I had faith that eventually I would find inspiration. And here it is. Everything points to Boston.

I hope Robert will man up and come for the ride. . Tonight he said if I moved away he would go back home. He basically said that he would rather live in ocean city than move with me. Ouch. He is sitting on a chair next to me as I write this on my phone. Silence. Click click.I would go with him.

All I have is all of me....

So the profound thoughts never stop flowing. I think thats why I don't post on here too often.. I have so much to say that I tend to wait for the things worth saying.

Im wearing two rings right now. One on my left ring finger and one on my right. The left is my ring from my relationship with Anthony and the right was a gift from my mother. Its funny. Walking across campus today I gave them a little bit more thought than usual. They have their significance, but I ignore it. What if they really do have an impact on my life beyond my consciousness? Two rings from the two most influential parts of my life. Two parts of my life that have freed and constrained, fed and choked, broadened and narrowed my life. The only two parts of my life that penetrate every other part of it as it currently exists.

What about relationships? Anthony and my mother? That creeps me out. In my indifference and confusion... I feel bad saying it. I have never had a healthy stable relationship. Until my relationships with these two people change I dont think I ever will. Their circles are binding- I dont know who I am without either of them. I'd hate to try and be anyone without the latter.

...and its all that I can give.

A pill for the pleasure, a pill for the pain....

Desires in check.
I started to get a bit bitchy last week. I was thinking about how many of my friends knew that monday [2/16] was the anniversary of my dad's death. The answer- 0. I was also thinking about the fact that none of my friends ever come over. I always go to their place. I wasn't really trying to hide the fact that I was bitchy. haha. Then I realized my desire (for certain terms of friendship to be fulfilled) was creating a state of anger that was unjustified. I was becoming angry about something my friends werent doing. Not only does the absence of action on both our parts negate the application of the term "friend" to our relationship- their actions regarding and beyond the specifically mentioned things I bitched about prove them much less than such- thusly, the application of my desires to certain people was unjustified because they do not perform the duties and functions of someone of whom I have any reason to have such expectations.

I was reading over this recently- even I have trouble remembering what's truth and what's not.

...all of these pills will help you maintain.

02/18/2009

It is no discovery that I am entirely disenchanted with humanity. I do however, periodically rediscover and re-evaluate my reasons for said truth.

I have yet to meet a person that I consider a friend. My definition of the word may be somewhat exclusive.....

Let me say sooner than later, my previously mentioned disenchantment does not necessarily confess a disinterest. I have begun to realize that I regard every person with the importance I bestow upon myself- as a person. I believe I have an accurately leveled sense of equality in judgment.. I don't know what I'm saying.

I have never met a person that simply cares. I have scarcely met a male or female with whom I feel can maintain a non-sexual relationship. All others, though they can achieve this cannot maintain a relationship at all without sex.

It's very lonely here.

2008

It was in my early childhood that I realized that there were feelings in the world that were not my own. It was at a funeral that I looked up at my mother and saw the physical manifestation of emotions that I myself did not feel, but understood. If I had felt that kind of pain- If I had known that kind of fear and loss, it was then that I realized that this would be my reaction. I learned sympathy, compassion, selflessness and genuine love for the people around me and realized that I did not live in this world alone. 

I suppose that's where the problem arose. Upon realizing the importance of human life I somehow neglected to include myself in that realization. My tendencies to consider, respect and love others gave me a distinct and unbreakable connection with humanity. I was able to understand and read people- to know why and what they felt. But this connection began to fray and snap day by day as, seeing these emotions daily, I was left with the questions, "where and what are my emotions?" and "who considers, respects and loves me?"

I understand fully how this could make a person bitter, and perhaps this understanding is the only thing left standing between myself and that very bitterness.

My sister returned from her semester abroad recently. About a week ago. My mother, Eddie, Robbie and I went to Boston to pick her up and spend a few days there. Before we had left I realized that the friend I brought with me was not coming as a friend. 

For once, I dont know how to say what I mean. It wasn't until we were sitting at the station, changing from the orange line to the red line on our way to Harvard Square that I realized not how unhappy I was, but how I was unhappy.  We had spent the better part of the day (at at this time well into the night) tramping around the city soaking wet. They are no amateurs when it comes to clearing the roads of ice, but the snow storm that had started soon after we arrived and continued for almost the entire trip had left the streets of Boston waterlogged and hardly navigable. My sister wanted to show us her campus, but the buildings were locked and while I was excited to see what she had to show us, none of us were holding up well in the constant barrage of snow and each of our own private seasons of stress. My friends Jill and Pete had made their way to Boston that very day. Pete had been transferred with his job and they had just had all of their things shipped to their new apartment. We decided to get out of the weather and met them at the hotel in which they were avoiding that very scene. After a few drinks we ventured back out and another friend of mine, Sean had wanted us to come visit him as well. My sister had no intentions of going and Robert wasn't very fond of the idea himself, but I wanted to go. 

That was the start of it. I wanted to go. The circumstances framed it perfectly- a disagreement. We were all perfectly capable of making our own ways. Sarah after all, lived in this city and Robert and I were adults ourselves. As we boarded the Blue line to head back to Revere I mentioned the invitation to Sean's house and was promptly shut down. So, we boarded. I remember Robbie saying, "I mean I'll go if you want to go" to which I replied, "No because then everyone is just going to be bitchy." A few stops later I had taken the time in my head to tempt and reason with myself and suddenly Robert and I had hopped off and Sarah was on her way back to the hotel with Robbie's phone so that she could call for the shuttle when she got to the stop. No one was very happy with the decision- not even myself, but it was made and I was determined that whatever the choice, I would enjoy it. 

It was at the stop I mentioned that we both sat in silence for a time. Robert's face seemed only to say, "I dont want to," while I could only reinforce my own decisions by neglecting both him and my sister thinking, "they can make their own choices, and so can I." 

"Everybody always wants me to do things with them, but no one ever wants to do anything with me. No one ever wants to do what I want to do." The short period of tense conversation left me with the memory of only that statement. It's rare that I ever meet anyone who doesn't think of me as a prize. Look what I got. Look who's coming to the party with me. Look at MY friend- the use of the word friend rarer than all. 

Now, I started writing this a few days ago and it seems I've been capable of knotting the loose ends and telling the story, but I cant seem to remember what my point was. A lot has changed in the past few days. Needless to say the rest of that night turned out to be reckless and stupid. It was only one choice that gave way to an attitude that would put me right in the middle of several other similar, careless choices down the road. 

I went on a mental and social shopping spree of sorts. "I want." and "Me." were my new friends for a time. I saw friends I hadn't seen in years. Estranged best friends, exes, exes of whom my actions, for a time had made estranged best friends. Drinks and drives. Here and there and "what may come." Now, in this fruitless and pathetic and childish excursion on which I sought to fulfill my own desires and happiness, I happened to face to repercussions of a relationship I had been neglecting for a long time. 

What can I say about this. I cant even say a name. That's exactly how I treat the situation. I wont write the name, less it be published. I wont specify a gender. For years I have done everything in my power to make sure that there are no words, actions, events or even acquaintances that would give this person any concrete place in my life. Barely an image of affection captured, no discussions with friends about my situation, no invitation that would compromise my life outside of these circumstances. We cant erase the past. Thanks to my efforts there are no memories that need be erased. 

When I was shown there was no logic or safety in the choices that were desired of me to make I didn't make them. When I was shown there might be something left to offer I left it on the table out of fear. 

I do not want this thing. I hope it has left me once and for all.

Everybody does exactly what you say,

I have the most profound effect on people. It's even stronger when I try to have no influence at all. The more I ignore people, the more they react to my every move. Every action, every move I make leads the ideas and actions of everyone around me. I hate it.

Everybody wants me. I'd say love, but I dont think they know what it is. Sometimes I feel part of love is the acceptance of love. 

Maybe one day I will lead people to do and think all the things they should be doing and thinking on their own, but thats all I'll ever do.

...you shouldn't have to say anything.

After all...

...there's only one thing I would change.

You no longer look "through a glass darkly-"

I don't know what brought me here. Usually, inspiration is what gets me writing, but now I cant seem to find the words.

The most meaningful relationships I have ever had burned fast, burned hard and burned out. Some have passed away, some are out of reach (physically and emotionally) and others with whom I have walked side-by-side have simply followed the paths of their own lives in a different direction. In my life I have hoped to be as much of an inspiration and comfort as I have found in these people.

I often question my own influence in the lives of others. While I can remember the passion inspired and the profound impact that certain individuals have had on my life, I think it very rare that I produce the same effect in others- and I am almost certain that in any relationship I have had invoking such influences that it has scarce been mutual.

Not long ago I began a journey for something new. Passion. Hatred. Greed. Solace. A shared path that was truly Honest. I have not been looking for love, sex, money, excitement- These things exist everywhere. What I have watched spawn and die in every relationship I have experienced is honesty. A mutual ground upon which the emotion and intellect of two individuals could find balance.

Self-awareness. A life being lived and an awareness of that very life.

I have a house. Leah and I (Soon enough Charles as well) have acquired a 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house with a basement, pool, and garage. Things just happen, I suppose. It was not at all planned, expected or, as far as I am concerned- wanted.

Classes started today. I'll get through it the same way I did last semester. Hate inside, indifferent outside, do my work, get out. I do not make friends. I keep my judgments to myself and regard the entire ordeal as If I don't exist.

I have a headache.




...but you cannot pass back to the world of human warmth with your new eyes.

Feels like I've waited my whole life

Everything is a mess right now. Not only is almost every part of my life completely unstable but so are all of my feelings. It's a bit overwhelming.

So, what is it?

I went to Atlanta and spent the past weekend with Waldie. Not only did it cost me to make the trip and spend the time there, but I lost a weekend at work. That's another story in itself. I'm not making any money at Tsunami anymore. The only thing keeping me there is the people... I don't know how long that's going to hold. I feel bad because I lost that weekend... but when I look at it, I wouldn't have made any money anyway. I'm not one to disclose how much money I make because I feel like its tasteless, but I having 700 dollar weekends there when I started.. now I'm not making half that. I need another job, but I'm such a flake when it comes to working. It's so rare that I find a job that I can stand... and this one I actually LIKE.

It sucks because everything is connected. So, when one thing gets to me everything else comes rushing in right after it. Sometimes all I can do is just try not to think about. I only work 3 days a week so I have the entire week to sit here with my thumb up my ass thinking, "what do I do?"

I'm not very good at taking control of my life. I've gone through it with everything just happening. School, work, friends, relationships.. it's all stuff that just happens to me. I got this job at Tsunami because April was leaving and I took over when she left. It wasn't something I had to apply for or work for, it just happened. I need to stop sitting around thinking everything will work out and actually do something.. but what?

I guess sitting here writing a blog doesn't help either, right? I mean.. at least I can get it out. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about it because all of the people I would normally talk to about it are involved. I cant talk to Waldie about my job and taking off last weekend and what-not because I took off last weekend to go see him. I had an amazing weekend, but it seems I cant seek any support there because it would just make it seem like it was all a bad idea. Then we would both have weird feelings about it.

The apartment hunt? Well... it went from a hunt... to hanging out... so giving up and settling with a place thats not really that amazing. A couple weeks ago my car broke down and I ended up having to spend $500 to get it fixed. That, paired with the $500 I spent going to Atlanta, the $450 June rent for the place I'm staying at now (oh, I'll get to that) and the weekend I didn't work just makes this all entirely unrealistic. For the place we are looking at now, I would need $1075.. thats not going to happen in time to sign a lease and move in for July. There's really nothing I can do- let me shift topics for a moment.

134 Cherrydell rd. I love them. April, Kathy, Derek and Pablo. Great people. Fun. Amusing... but seriously... It just gets to be too much. It's not them personally- we just don't work as roommates. I got home from the airport and walked in the door and the house wreaked of cat piss. That's disgusting. I shouldn't even feel bad saying it. So I just dropped my stuff in my room and left. I went to the library. When I came back a few hours later I wanted to take a shower, but had to clean the entire bathroom to do so. When they shower they leave the tub beyond filthy. There is literally mud in the tub. I'm uploading some pictures from my phone so I can paste them:

There. This shitty camera phone doesn't do it justice, but it says enough. Do you see that? What the hell? After cleaning the bathroom I had to sit in my own filth from cleaning and wait for hot water.

Why am I paying to live there? I came home last weekend after work on saturday to a heap of cat shit on the bean bag in the living room. I only noticed because I had to lean over the bag to open the window and there it was. I don't even want to talk about it.

OH! and while I'm venting- On Wednesday I made a grilled cheese. One pan. ONE PAN. Thats what it takes to make a grilled cheese. I didn't use a plate (I rarely do) because its not worth the dirty dish. Lo and Behold, Kathy says to me, "will you clean that pan before you leave for Atlanta." I can't even control myself. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I'm surprised that anyone in that house has the nerve to tell me to clean anything. Maybe I should have responded with, "Well, if you clean the mountain of dishes in the sink- NONE of which are mine, then perhaps I might feel obliged to clean that pan." I just replied, "sure" and walked out the door.

OH! and where was I going? I was going to SUBWAY. Why? because I always eat out. Why? because I cant keep any food in that house. Why? because it's filthy. When I go grocery shopping I have a shelf in the fridge. I cleaned all the mold and shit off of it and put my things on it. When they put their stuff on that shelf I move it. I went home the week before last and when I came back a third of my food was gone. That's just how it is. The nerve.. and for her to tell me to clean a fucking PAN. There is STILL a gallon container of milk, half full in the refrigerator that was SPOILED SOLID before I left for Atlanta on Thursday. Today is Wednesday of the next week. Yesterday I went grocery shopping and just took it out and sat it on the counter. Just to make a point. Instead of acting like a God damned parent to these people I sat it on the counter thinking maybe they would notice and think to themselves "oh my, I didn't even notice this milk has been spoiled for the past week, let me act like a responsible adult and throw it out."


Someone put it back in the fridge.


That's not okay. That is not okay.

Today is the 25 June 2008. The check I wrote for this month's rent has yet to be cashed.

Am I justified in being as utterly pissed as I am about all this? I'm not even gonna keep talking about it. I'm done.

I wish I had gone home this summer. If I'm going to sit around for the majority of the week doing nothing, at least I could be doing it at the beach. AND I would be making more money if I had a job at home. This summer just has not gone as planned. I hope every day of adulthood isn't like this


because I'm over it.


I'm taking off Saturday for Leah's graduation party. It doesn't matter. I wouldn't be making any money at work anyway.

Blogging is a good idea. This one has been entirely negative and I feel it's better that I got it out here as opposed to letting it out on friends or the people in my every day life. right?

I need to find a school that is NCARB accredited so that I can get a degree in architecture. Why is this so hard? The only school in Maryland that is accredited is College Park. I cant commute to College Park. That would cost me $20 in gas PER DAY to drive back and forth. I don't want to move because I feel like I'm already established here. I want to go to VT. If I'm going for architecture I want to go to a school that is known for its program. God this sucks.

People don't understand why I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm a mess. Beyond that- I'm not established. How can I maintain a stable relationship when I am not stable? Waldie is the best and most random thing that has happened to my life in a long time... He is moving back to Baltimore soon.. What am I supposed to do. I can't stay here.


Jesus, can I not be a Debbie Downer right now?

This is a good ending:


=]

Clouds will rage and storms will race in..

A few days ago I woke up to a phone call from my sister... and I knew... you know?
I picked up and she was crying.... and I almost hung up. My mother went to the hospital... but apparently it wasn't anything serious.. nothing showed up on any scans or tests. What she described was a stroke, but what the doctors found was nothing. I don't know what I would do, but I think about it a lot more than I should.

...but you will be safe in my arms.

You are to me as a cigarette-

If offered I'll indulge,
otherwise I don't really care.

Oh, Dorothy

I think Dorothy had a little bit more hope in her than she'd like to have admitted. Beyond the image she carefully constructed of herself- the image that the public has so eagerly enforced through admiration, I don't think she was all that much of a .... well, I cant think of the word right now. You see it takes a lot of care to hate the world as much as her poetry implied, and if it wasn't exactly hate, then spite. Her writing became her ultimate outlet- not necessarily to vent, but to mold her image. While most of her poetry ends with a bitter quip or a sideways remark, she hides a redemption of her roughed up mien in various lines such as the ending to "A Very Short Song:"

"Once, when I was young and true,
Someone left me sad -
Broke my brittle heart in two;
And that is very bad.

Love is for unlucky folk,
Love is but a curse.
Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, is worse."

As I said, in a lot of her poetry, she portrays a spiteful view of love and of men and various aspects of human emotion, but here she does what I consider to be one of the most difficult things for a human being to do. She has obviously(or so she would like her readers to think, and furthermore- neglect to recognize) been in love. She has obviously had her "heart broken." She writes about that rather freely... But such a proud soul as Dorothy Parker-

Let me explain that. She'd be fine with almost anything that was written about her except a decomposition of her character and person. She was a writer herself. Any secrets she had, she kept for her own reason. The reason I admire her poetry is because it maintains a personal value without(in most cases) being written explicitly for us. I was about to say "being written for someone else," but that would imply that they weren't written for anyone. On to my explanation. I forget what I was saying. Oh, yes. "Proud." A heart is a very proud thing. That's all.

Now, back back back. While she writes about love it is so clear that she is heart-broken because she never admits it. You have to have a true respect for such emotions as love to ridicule and be as spiteful of them as she was. In the first 'verse' of "A Very Short Song," she admits feelings of sadness and that she has indeed had her heart broken, but sparing little time after her confession, she goes on to state that love is a "curse" for "unlucky folk." She's as quick to shut the door in your face as she was to open it.

"Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, is worse."

The end... Now, I have to say that this is really, only what I think. I admire Dorothy for a lot of reasons, but I love her so much because I've gone as far as to assume I can relate to her. These last two lines can mean anything to anyone, I'm sure, but why do they exist amidst a sea of cold notions of what she portrays as useless affects, flowing from the pen of a woman who's every word bears more meaning than she would ever care to admit? What better defense is there for a broken heart, than to break a heart? I'll probably eat this statement one day... so, I probably shouldn't rest my case on it, but this is one of the only poems I have read where she clearly and openly states that she has been sad and heart-broken. Ms. Parker makes her confession simply, in four lines of an eight line poem and then in the last four drowns it out by making sure that they cut it off with harshness and rejection and then redirect the attention from her own pain to the pity she feels for not only those who are "unlucky" enough to experience it, but to a heart she has broken. She puts herself above the damnation and sympathy of a begging broken heart by putting love down and making herself into a heart-breaker.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, Ms. Parker.. I don't doubt that you do indeed have an empathy for broken hearts.

What I consider my most favorite and relatable quality that she possesses is her ambiguity. Even in this, a poem with a vicious defense of an almost regrettable admission, she maintains complete equivocality. She never reveals who she's talking about. Anyone could say anything about almost any of her work and she could deny it outright. For all we know the heart she broke could've been her own.

I don't want to write an entire blog that portrays her as completely bitter. My point in the last paragraph was that she provided for herself a type of defense where she could write anything she wanted and even go as far as to defend it without having to claim it if she didn't want to. She could accept or deny any emotion or feeling directed toward her.

I don't really know how to end this. I was bored and told myself not to write anything about Dorothy Parker because it could go on forever...


That's so lame. Sometimes I feel like my feelings betray them.... my ability to recognize my feelings devalues them... does that make sense? If I have the ability to recognize and understand something, do I not also have the ability to control it? I know I have the ability to control myself as the world sees me. Sometimes it makes me feel like my emotions are pointless. Not only can I control them most of the time, but I can control how they are recognized and understood by others. I'm not malicious enough to make it interesting, and not enthusiastic enough to use it to my benefit.

Well, this is going nowhere. I no longer have a point.

He tried to forget me

What can I do when someone has taken what is supposed to be the most amazing part of who I am, and turned it into the single worst experience of my entire life.

How can I love everyone?

How can I truly love anyone as much as they need or deserve without neglecting others?

How much is too much? How many times can a person lie and hurt you and others before you can stop loving them?

Why cant I be as selfish as everyone else?

its3am

here in the land of success and good fortune
glitter covers the dust
and sweet pills mask the boredom

you rise in the morning
to make good use of light
but should they decide so
the next morn becomes night

you wont need to see them
to maintain your friends
thanks to wires and boxes
connecting two ends

while the lucky will live
making sheep out of lambs
brains and hearts will be either
corrupted or damned

they may tell you youre pretty
and may give you fine things
but the price they require
cannot hold what it brings

they will never stop asking
they will always want more
if you have what it wants
the world makes you its whore

whether trophy or wallet
a voice or a skill
they will praise it and cheer
til you bend to their will

vicarious fortunes
and easy-gone fame
they will make it their own
they will give it a name

your nails must be clean
your skin must be thick
they dont care if youre tired
they dont care if youre sick

you must not upset those
who allow you to shine
for your gifts are a treasure
in the world theyve defined

you will give as they take
you will come as they call
when they ask, you will answer
if they ask you at all

they will make you their star
as the sky drowns in light
while they make sure your shadows
and angles are right

everyone needs a hero
to love or get laid
youve no choice but to serve
just make sure you get paid

-
here in the land of success and good fortune
theres no need to have dreams
because they'll have them for you

random

I dont mind people who are broken.
I'd rather not care,
because once I start caring
then I've got two things to fix.

cigarettes = headaches

so I have a draft sitting in my .. thingies.. i dont really know what i was writing but i remember it was something important at the time that i didnt finish.

anthony is sleeping on my floor right now. its great.

when i was falling asleep last night.. just before i was actually asleep.. between awak and dreaming.. only more dreaming... i had written this song in my head.. it was perfect.. i was singing it in my sleep.. at that instant i woke up thinking it was great and couldnt remember it.


i think im going to take the time to work on some lines i had stuck in my head today- they werent from that song but they were inspired by recent events.


lets go our own ways now, friend
you see im tired and cant carry you any longer
let alone walk on my own
ive got no need for this anymore
and never have
but if youd walk beside me that would be just fine

id like to forget you now
if only this memory would fade
so vibrant and distraught
aftermath of an explosion
only useless pieces of us remain
ive grown within this hate
and a love that i resisted
but you could never have lied to me
if you never existed

youre hangin on amidst a sea of falling stars
and if i could fly id love you for exactly who you are
but i cant seem to reach that high
so ill sit back and watch you shine



so ive been pretty hurt.. ish... about jen. i said something to her and she didnt have much to say back. maybe its too late or whatever. maybe i shouldnt say other things about it. im never really too attached to my friends. shes the only friend ive ever had that actually made me believe it when she called me her best friend- regardless of myself. yknow. regardless of how i pick apart and scrutinize everything. iduno its whatever. regardless of what she said i always felt like her fallback. attention and love all around. i guess that while she trusted me to be there for her i never really trusted her to be there for me. like i dont really trust anyone. i dont really know what im talking about right now. i think somewhere along the way i fell in love with her. aha. shut up.

Je le deteste.

Je ne peux plus habite dans ce maison.


Its 140am... Pablo is sleeping on the couch. I had to go over to Kia's because I cant find my syllabus for LRC and we have a paper due tomorrow. I ended up writing it at her house because I know I cant get any kind of work done here. I came in and turned on the light because the front light is out (and I'd bet any amount of money that it's not going to be changed unless I do it) and there's Pablo.. stretching and putting his hand over his face with that universal "oh my god I was sleeping in complete darkness and you just turned on the light" body language. I went up to my room, but.. I mean.. If I haven't mentioned it already- this house is super old and I cant plug my computer in upstairs.. and I wasn't even getting a wireless signal up there either. Fuck him. Pablo can go to his fucking room.

So I have classes starting at 10am.. joy. I'm going to the park with gloria afterwardddd =D
Patapsco State Park is great. This city is such a downer... having a place where I can go run around the woods is a great relief.

Right now.. I have nothing but a list of complaints... OH WAIT! thats not true.. but I'll get to that in a minute. Pablo often sleeps on the living room couch. April has a lizard.. it eats crickets... she buys them 2 dozen at a time so there's an endless chirping 24-7. I havent cleaned in weeks. I refuse to clean. I dont think they get it. The last time I cleaned I left a note on the livingroom "table" that said, "please clean up after yourselves." I found it on the floor with "POON BUSTER" written on it in blue highlighter and soon thereafter more notes were added to it. Jokes, I know.... but really not funny to me anymore. The next day I found a plate with dried food- sitting on top of my laptop. I think thats the moment when I was officially done. I have no choice but to leave my laptop in the livingroom. They leave their laptops.. well, they leave everything on the floor... books, pizza boxes, dvds.. If I were to step on someones computer and damage it in some way there is absolutely nothing that could convince me that I would be responsible for it. Enough negativity..

How do I start this? It's been forever since I liked someone. At Grand Central on Thursday a boy came up to me and asked me to dance... who the hell does that? That alone scored major points. A great smile.. just an all around, genuine, boy. He dresses well. He's not all emo, he doesnt straighten or dye his hair or try to be different. His voice isnt 13 octives higher than it should be. Yesterday after I got back from Harford county we went out to XS in Baltimore and got sushi. Then we hung out at Red Emmas and came back here (I cant even stand to have my friends here) and watched movies (in my clean room, of course). He makes me smile. I like that. We'll see where it goes.

Why was I in Harford county, you (didn't) ask? Leah's cousin got married on the 20th. I love the Dysons. I'd probably go anywhere with them. We ate and drank a lot, went out to a bar afterward, and then stayed at Uncle Chet and Aunt Karen's house. I love Leah. Fuck Drake. I mean, I'm sure he's a swell guy- I enjoy his company, but she deserves exactly what she wants... if he isn't giving it to her- fuck him. Sometimes I think a lot. I'm in no position to give anyone anything right now- no matter how much I love them. I don't know that that's ever going to change......

"why does he keep taking me to your garage?"

Thats what she said. Leah and her parents went to a psychic. I wanna go! haha. Apparently thats what she said to them at one point. It was comforting, even to me to hear that.

Things I want to remember.

Equivocalife: comeplay tonight
WwChInk22: i cannot
Equivocalife: porquoi?!?!
WwChInk22: kurasu and work tomorrow
WwChInk22: it's going to be a long day
WwChInk22: and i didnt go to bed til 6am
Equivocalife: JE VEUX SUELMENT POUR VOUS VENEZ JOUER AVEC MOI ET MES AMIS ET FUMER DE WEED!!
Equivocalife: pourquoi est-ce que vous ne jouez jamais avec moi?!
WwChInk22: nan desu ka?
WwChInk22: wakarimasen
WwChInk22: chotto matte, ironing desho
Equivocalife: wakaru
Equivocalife: herpes onagaishimasu?





WwChInk22: it's appropriate
WwChInk22: coz sometimes shit is really gay


"it is unwise to joke with your Chinese father about Asian monks being run over by tanks."
-gloria tapshi chang.


WwChInk22: ur as sadistic as i am masochostic



Equivocalife: go to rofo
love your outfit: oh fuck that
love your outfit: i'm not getting raped


WwChInk22: what is it about kia's couch and tv that makes me want to sleep in her apartment all the time
Equivocalife: hahahaha
Equivocalife: futons arent really built for .. sitting
WwChInk22: no sir
Equivocalife: esp walmart style futons
WwChInk22: yeah that shit hasn't been broken in for 20 years like mine
WwChInk22: mine is a pro
WwChInk22: it ain't gonna let u down
Equivocalife: where is your futon
WwChInk22: oh wait, i mean my real sofa
Equivocalife: sometimes
Equivocalife: i read it like
Equivocalife: fut
Equivocalife: on
Equivocalife: futtn
Equivocalife: futt'n
WwChInk22: fut rhyming with put?
Equivocalife: fut rhyming with strut
Equivocalife: futon
Equivocalife: on rhying with uhn
Equivocalife: fuht uhn
Equivocalife: futon
Equivocalife: like a button
WwChInk22: ...am i still high

love your outfit: why arent you at appppeeccccccccsssss



Equivocalife: i do know one thing though
Equivocalife: bitches, they come- they go.
WwChInk22: saturday thru sunday monday
Equivocalife: monday through sunday, yo.

j h o e e e y: people sweat you so bad, it's funny

we talk of taxes...

i love noah... i feel like im losing him as a friend because i dont wanna skrew things up by being more than just friends. i always do that.... esp to the people i care about the most. i think its hurting him... but all these boys try so hardcore to hid all their feelings that i cant tell. i just wish i could say some things to him. its sucks so bad. why is it that when i care about people and try to keep them in my life as friends it fucks everything up just as much as anything else would....

i work like 6 days this week. my soul currently belongs to abercrombie and fith.... but their clothes will soon belong to me. all of them.



...and i call you friend.

Well, such you are, -- but well enough we know

How thick about us root, how rankly grow

Those subtle weeds no man has need to tend,

That flourish through neglect, and soon must send

Perfume too sweet upon us and overthrow

Our steady senses; how such matters go

We are aware, and how such matters end.

Yet shall be told no meagre passion here;

With lovers such as we forevermore

Isolde drinks the draught, and Guinevere

Receives the Table's ruin through her door,

Francesca, with the loud surf at her ear,

Lets fall the coloured book upon the floor.

sometimes....

it smells like last winter
when i used to sit on your roof
and smoke the cigarettes you bought me
because i thought refusing to buy them myself would help me quit

so whats up lately... oh shite. give me a moment to upload these pictures.
ksike im tired. only negative things to say anyway.


sometimes i look back at the choices i made as the self-secluded bitter self-righteous absolutists whiney bastard i used to be and compare them to the choices i couldve made as a happier person. choices that mightve actually lead to me being a happier person. eh-oh! nitenite.

elizabeth: the golden age. next friday.

The world you live in today.....

I love food. Its enjoyable, complete pleasure- satisfying a need in the form of a desire. Fat people should be happy. If they enjoy food, why wouldn't they be enjoying everything else in life just as much?

Why should my life revolve around all the people that let me down? Why be just as good of a person as they were when I can be as good of a person as I expected them to be.

A worthy memorable quote is one that has encompassed an entire Idea in as few words as possible.

I would never be so arrogant as to think no one has or will ever speak or write the same words I have.

You should never try to be anybody else- you'd miss the fun in living life for yourself.

.....was created by people.
so, if you want to live in another world-
make one.

Bruce James Jenkins

My life would summed up by people attending my funeral and having to say of me:
"He had a great understanding of many things in the world but, no idea how to apply it."

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me.....

Lately I've been doing a lot of changing. Less thinking, more doing. It's a big change for me. Literally- one day last week I woke up and decided I was going to be happy. So far its working.

I'm also realizing a lot of things... things both sad and liberating. If I want to have a life I have to let go of the life I dont have. What do I mean by that? Honesty. Letting go of past loves. Making friends out of them if you can. Letting go of old attachments, bad habits and old dreams. Living the life that I have now. Not necessarily living for right now.... but, accepting and enjoying the present so that I can make a better future for myself.

One of the reasons I like this blog is because only one person knows where it is- Leah... and I doubt she remembers. haha.

Still, I wont become too secure in the privacy of this space. After all, its on the internet.

Just thinking. I'm happy. I'm not stressed. I'm not attached to anything or anyONE.. although I have been enjoying someones company lately. I'm happy. It's good.


...than a frontal lobotomy.

whatev

Well my sister went to Boston. They gave her a card with money on it to buy books because even though her money wasnt in yet Emerson knew the bank loan had gone through and that it would be there. UMBC doesnt do that. New flat screens for the gym and new Dodge Chargers for campus police... UMBC obviously doesnt have the money to help out its students. Books? Food? etc.. fuck it.

continued....

I was really enjoying French class, before it even started. A cute lesbian to my left.. an (or so he seemed) 70 year old man.. probably 6 people in the class total. And even better- El-Omari. I like him.

BUT ALAS. As he hands out the syllabi he leans over to me and asks "you are repeating this class? 201?"

Well shit. I registered for 201.. went to 201... but didnt realize it was 201 until that moment... I'm sposed to be in 202. Days going great so far... wonder how many blazing hoops I'll have to jump through and how many piles of shit I'll land in before this gets fixed. Guess I better get on that now.

Day one of too many.

You know that class that UMBC told me I had to take but that I couldnt take it until they told me I to? yeah. That class was at 9am today, August 29, 2007. One person beside myself showed up- it was not the professor. U Must Be Crazy. Shits whack.

I have French at 10. El-Omari. Bet he cant wait to see me. Some people are so hot that even holding a filthy cigarette doesnt turn me off. I guess this is a typical first day at UMBC. From the looks of it there aren't too many freshmen out yet- that doesn't mean they didnt have class this morning. Everyone looks really jaded, those who did find someone to talk to or walk through campus with don't seem too excited about it... no one looks that excited.

I smell someones.. shit... its not cologne.. axe or some other spray on crap.. I know its not me, I forced the last of my deoderant stick on my pits before I walked out the door and left my cologne in the car. Regardless, I know I smell better than that.

I apologized to Randy for being lame to him. It wasnt as much of a conversation as it was me saying things I wanted to say for my sake- God forbid he admit it was for his, or that he even cared at all.

People are in the pool. This obv 40-some year old man is walking through the quad dressed like a backstreet boy. Doesnt he know hes not 17?

I'm glad I got a haircut. Today I can choose who sees me... of course I'm referring to the people that know me and I can get by without them recognizing me... hooray, no awkward or forced conversation. Ahaha. Speak of the Devil- one down [annoying tall pale red headed boy who's name I didnt bother to remember], walked right by.

It feels like the end for me...

I bet he's crying right now. I mean, for me to think any of it had any meaning I would have to assume that's what he's doing.

It rained tonight. I cant wait to go back to school. Honestly, I hate UMBC. It's awful. I want to transfer to a university that has an architecture program. I have to do something.... I have to do it now. I would like to go to law school but, I think im going to skip on that and do something I know I could enjoy doing- architecture; maybe even architectural engineering or landscaping. Alas, I have to complete at least one more semester at UMBCrap before I can go anywhere else. It's about time mother should be waking up now(I just heard her alarm).

I have a hard time understanding how people live their lives without other people. What I mean is- People make plans and go off and lead lives.. I cant seem to let people go. I cant seem to make plans and go off without worrying about all my "friends" and "family." You would think I wouldn't be so attached. hah. I am going to call my Uncle Stephen today. I haven't talked to him all summer. I really dont know why. He is kind of upset about it though. If you knew me you would know that I'm innately passive-aggressive.. or so it would seem. Part of me hasn't bothered to call him simply because of the fact that he expects me to.. no other reason. The bigger part, I guess, would be that he wants to talk to me about things like school and bills and life. Things that I'm not taking care of. I haven't been - okay. hold it. FIRST- Apparently going from a .62 GPA freshman year (did I really just admit that?) to getting B's sophomore year isnt enough of an improvement for UMBC. I am REQUIRED to take a class that teaches me to be "successful." A class where they pep you up with inspiring tasks in the form of homework and I hear you even have to keep a journal. I hope I'm required to read it in front of the class. It's going to be full of solid bull-shit. An "easy A," you might say.. I just hope my passive-agressive side doesn't get the better of me in this case.

Anyway, what I was going on about is that I still havent been able to register for the previously mentioned class. I need PERMISSION to register for the class I am REQUIRED to take. Confused? Yes.

"Dear Bruce,
Though your petty progress seems promising, we feel that we can further boost your esteem and desire to succeed at UMBCrap by forcing you to take a class that is probably going to do nothing but take up time you could be using to actually succeed in your other, slightly more important classes. You may not however, register for this class that we have already told you you must take until we tell you that you can take it. Please figure out which department you must contact in order for us to tell you that you can take the class we are telling you to take, because it is not the department from which you are receiving this email, telling you to take it. We also regret not to inform you that, because you must take this class and need permission to take it- we may not give you permission to take this class we are telling you to take in order for you to register for it in time to receive the government funding you need to take it. If you have any questions please to not respond to this email- Contact the department that will answer your question.
Helping to hinder your success,
UMBCrap"

Well, it was something like that, anyway.

The sun is coming up. OH. Speaking of UMBCrap and this class I've been rambling about- My "phone appointment" (the one I had to schedule because of the fact that I am 3 hours away from campus.. the one that will hopefully resolve this ::over the phone:: when I have been trying to contact them for nearly a month now- over the phone) is scheduled to take place at 1:30pm today, Friday August 10, 2007. I should probably go to sleep so that I will be up for said "appointment."

Oh, and I bet he's asleep now. His brain doesn't really have the capacity to hold on to any one feeling for an extended period of time. Quite the Anti-social personality, if I may say so myself.


..but I don't think you're really there yet.

I'm naked.

I sewed a button on my pink shorts. I can wear them now. My very favorite shorts that I have saved but not worn in almost 2 years have a straight rip down the front of the left leg. Im just going to sew a white line right down the rip. I feel slightly manic right now. Its pretty much my favorite feeling ever.

I feel like I've accomplished many things recently. I haven't really. Maybe just sorted some things out in my head. It feels good. I'm quite unhappy with people- as far as relationships go. They all seem so jaded... scarred... everyone has some excuse for why they repeatedly attempt relationships- only not really. Have you ever just wanted a best friend? Sounds kind of exclusive, I guess... but, it is. That's what I really want out of a relationship. After you've been in so many you learn to recognize when someone is what you want and when they aren't. Maybe you just begin to regard everyone as something you dont want... I tried to say that without rambling. I cant. You know the feeling you get when stars and trees and breezes and music and sounds and the world captures your senses and strikes your heart dead center? you should.

I think the first time... No, I know the first time that I fell in love... Thats not a good place to start. I'll start with the explanation. See, I used to lay in my yard in the grass during the wee hours of the morning and look straight up into the clear sky. I used to look up into the branches of trees, jump into the ocean, breath in fresh air, watch plants grow, listen to pleasant sounds... This was love. I was in love with life. Simplicity, complexity, purity, color, sound. The first time I fell in love I realized I could feel all of these things that I found in almost everything amazing and find and feel them in a single person. An entire world of innocent, simple love- and entire world of feeling encompassed in what I felt for a single person. That is amazing. Later on I came to realize that it wasn't just a world entirely made of good feelings.

Honesty, trust, humility.. All the things that so many of the people that I meet are afraid to experience for whatever reason they seek to justify their fear with... I want those things. Every single thought and feeling that leaves you open to the greatest hurt- thats what I want back. I look at a few of my exes... well I looked at them going into our relationships realizing they were pretty much everything I just described... I manage to end all my relationships rather forcefully. They tend to stay that way throughout their duration. What do I mean by that? I mean Almost every relationship I've been in, I have spent the entire time (in different ways) pushing, pulling, saying "stop it.- stop being afraid. I dont even care if I'm not the one you want to be with but for your sake and mine be open to letting someone in." People eventually adopt the notion that in order to let you in, you must first prove yourself. I've never been with anyone that genuinely wanted love. I've been with a lot of people that "know" they are worthy and that, should they want to, they should have, deserve or could earn my trust while setting up boundaries, hurtles and tasks I must complete to get into the hearts they guard so vainly. What are you guarding for? The ones that I find are the least likely to let me in are the ones I like the most. The one's I love on principle. They are the ones I know that, somewhere along the line were genuine and honest, caring and trustful. They are the ones that I know would probably never let anyone in again until they decide and that I have absolutely no influence over whether or not they love me. They guard their hearts so visciously because they actually have hearts.

Sex is often the last thing I think about. I don't think I have any pure lust in me.

It's starting to get old though... The jaded and broken-hearted. The wounded all up-in-arms.

My recent relationship with Randy was probably the most fun.. probably just because it is the most recent. What I liked about it was that I gave him just as much of a chance as he gave me. I was more on the offensive, though. With an attitude that would suggest "I'm not working for your trust. I'm not going to try. I'm not breaking down any walls. I'm not sitting patiently until you decided you want to commit to the decision we've made." Ah. I'm just as scratched as everyone else. Right before him is when I started to get it. That's what made it fun. It was like testing a hypothesis. If I actually do what were in this to do.... I probably could've love him. He was boring and cared too much about what everyone thought of him... I liked it though. He seemed like he actually wanted to be intelligent and wasn't intelligent just for the sake of flaunting it.. he flaunted just enough to annoy me into thinking he didnt have anything worth flaunting but, not so much that I didn't see that he did.

That's the first relationship I've actually cared about in a while. Not in the sense that I was in love or trying to be.. but, ... it just mattered to me in a way. I've had others and didnt really have the mindset for them. I've gotten a would-be best friend out of a relationship. Doesn't know how to care much about anything other than himself or things that have to do or are involved with his immediate surroundings.. I loved him simply because of this fact and the fact that he tried to. Those reasons are spent.

I was in a relationship with a girl that got to me.... well I dont know how to explain it. She was much more complex.. like she had been hurt... but instead of bearing in on the outside like everyone else... with obvious barricades and barriers .. she somehow.. I dont know.. she had them but, didnt. AH. I just got it I think... the difference between her and all of these other selfish ass holes -that's what they are, selfish, self-centered, conceited, asses- is that she actually hurt. I could see it in her. Shit happens to everyone. Everyone hurts. The difference between her and everyone else is that she didnt detach. She didnt forget or ignore or hide. When she was hurt I knew she cried about it. I knew that she FELT. Sadness. She remained opened to love and be loved because she didnt handle it the way others seem to. I admired the fact that she opened her heart and left it open, even when it hurt. I hope it never gets the best of her.

Actually... all the girls I've loved were like that. Guys and girls really are different....No one likes to hurt... but a lot of guys deal with it, as if to say "well, I wont then." None of them are so skilled, though that they can shut off that one emotion without screwing up all the others.

The world is not good enough...

Every once in a while I find a friend that makes it insufferably obvious that.... In my head I have several theories and ideas... about people... about life and humanity. What I was going to say was "Every once in a while I find a friend that makes it insufferably obvious that people are basely selfish." I didn't though.


I have friends that I don't invite over- not because I don't want them here but, because they don't want to be here; "Friends" that want a friend, not to be one; Friends that aren't comfortable unless they have a great deal of control over whatever circumstances or situation they happen to be in; Friends who want to do what they want to do, and not much else.

I struggle every once in a while with the idea that were I to do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted to do it, as many of my friends do- I would not have many friends at all. This is not because I want to do things that are un-enjoyable, dangerous or wrong but, because I want to do things that are not always what my friends want to do. Vice-versa, I do not always want to do what they want to do. I can feel it as we slowly drift apart as I cease to yield to their every desire and they fail to accomodate mine.

I'm a good person. Apparently I'm supposed to do something.
.....for all the things I would do.......

This will be..

Spot is under the willow tree. I dug him from an unmarked grave- directly inbetween the two spots my mother and Eddie guessed were where he was buried after they finally told me, and I moved him. I have not cried. His death was stolen from me... it is nothing I can suffer.

Today it rained. Mother asked me if I wanted to take Sarah to 48th street at 9. I said I did not which was followed by,"I drove you everywhere." to which I replied, "I have nothing to say to that" and went in my room. "You wil not do this here. If youre going to do this you need to go somewhere else." What I did- nothing. I've realized that refusing to comment, refusing to fight, refusing to be angry tends to anger others more than anything you can do. I suppose she wanted to fight.. and was trying to start a fight. I packed my things and put them in my car. She came outside saying "I never told you to leave." I have picked Sarah up from work at 1am. I have driven her places. I pay for the gas to put in the lawnmower that I cut the grass with. I am home with my step-brothers when they leave and do not bother to tell me where they are going. My mother does not know how to say, "no" to my sister. She has a lot of stress and anxiety problems. She is afraid of disappointing or making my sister angy therefor, she comes to me to take her somewhere and gets angry. Since I refused to take my sister for 48th street, I suppose that in her eyes I would be to blame for making her angy and she feels she has no choice but to do so. I did not mention all of the things I do and have done because I don't mind doing them. I did however, tell her that it is not my fault that she cant say no and that he driving me places when I was in high school has nothing to do with it. I accept little from my mother these days beyond food. She has a habit of holding things against me. I told her I did not come home to babysit and I did not come home to drive people around. I took my sister for 48th street. The point was that my entire life my mothers problems have been mine. I dont want them. I dont want them in my life. I want my mother in my life... this doesn't seem to be working. I don't mind giving my sister a ride. My mother's own personal problems should not be transferred to me. [things i cannot say] Sometimes I think I should move away. Put myself in a situation where I have little contact with her. Going away to school improved our relationship... but, I would only be disappointed by the fact that the only way to have a mother was to leave mine behind and ultimately have none at all.

I need to leave.

Jesus Christ..

If someone tries to tell me I'm black or white one more fucking time I'm going to shoot them in the face.

Dear Ass Holes,

My heritage is as follows: Irish-Catholic, German, Native-American and African-American. I am not white. I am not black.
Yes, my cock is huge but, no- it is not because my father was a "big burly black man."
Yes, I am articulate and in college but, no- this is not dependent on my race.
No, I do not appreciate it when you "jokingly" imply how "white" I am when I listen to African-American artists, or that you are surprised at my vocabulary because I'm "black."
Yes, I will say "nigger" all I want to and I do not need to be entitled to do so by my race.
No, I do not want to, nor do I use the word "nigger."

I'm tired of stupid people.
I'm tired of you.

Love,
Bruce



...should have stuck around for a while.

Its not in me.

Spot is gone. I found out a few weeks ago when I came home. Mother said "Spot has been missing for a couple weeks now." She always has a way of doing these things. Especially with me. She didnt even bother telling me about it until weeks after he was gone. Then the next week when I came home mother was out and I said to Eddie- "sucks about Spot." To which he replied, "yeah man.. I'm sorry I ran over him."

Whats that? "Yeah I hit him with my Jeep.. your mom didnt tell you?" "-no." "well I only ran over his foot.. and he was fine but then he ran away." So apparently you can maneuver a jeep in such a way as to only run over the foot of a cat. Strange- and I only thought so until my sister said to me just yesterday "I think they hit Spot and they just aren't telling you about it. How do you run over a cat's foot." I think it would be a horrible thing for my mom to watch me call for my cat outside thinking he had run off into the woods and knowing that Eddie had run over him.

My very first one hundred dollar bill. I saved it. Ive kept it in a box in my room since I was 14. It's no longer there. William sleeps in my room during the week. "I dont think he would take it" say mother and Eddie. Mother also informed me that Eddie's step-son Richard was over one day and he let him sleep in my room. My mother has a tendency not to tell me about things that involve.... me.

My cat is gone. $100 is missing from my posession. I'm not focused on much recently. I just want everything to go away.

Today while mother and Eddie were watching Forest Gump- at the end when Forest puts his son on the bus, my mom started talking about when my father put me on the bus for the first time. How he cried and then went to my school to see me and cried. "He cried when Bruce came out and never stopped crying." I went to sit outside under the willow where phoenix is. On the drive home I realized that I am indeed, quite alone. I'm glad my attachments are so few.

.

I'm never really one to talk about exactly whats on my mind... or to spell things out... as blunt as i can be I'm usually pretty.... equivocal.

Why can't anyone just be my friend? guys cant. girls cant.

Why can't Mitchell be my best friend? I was so happy... he ran away in fear of something more.. and I was so comfortable having nothing more... I tried to give him what he wanted and it turned into him being afraid of what [he assumed] I wanted. Its all very sad.

I havent heard from Madeleine in months.

The heterosexual community refuses to accept me because I refuse to identify as straight- the gay community annoys the hell out of me because they seem to be so accepting but only accept me as being gay. Well now. I'm doing my best to keep good people in my life... and I don't argue anymore.. I just ignore things. There's no point.

I shouldnt have to preface this by defending my modesty:
I get the feeling people are intimidated by me sometimes. Everyone tells me I'm attractive.. and regardless of what I think it usually comes down to a few different scenarios.. I cant have any gay male friends.. they all want to get in my pants. Its not even because of my looks.. I just havent met any gay guys who can just be friends. None. Then there are those who are attracted to me and then end up getting offended and disliking me because I'm not attracted to them. If I were to try and veiw things from another perspective I would assume that an attractive person not being attracted to you could be a pretty substantial blow to your self esteem... but, you see.. thats exactly whats unattractive. Insecurity is by far the least attractive human trait ever.. and beyond that- How can I be attracted to people who are in a sense only using me. Sometimes I feel like a trophy. A "score." I refuse.

Another thing- My personality. I love. I try my best to be peaceful.. accepting.. friendly.. I'm never the one who's negative- sometimes people dislike me because of the fact that I'm nice and they assume I want something more- I dont. I feel some people don't even approach me because I'm so accepting.. or in some cases because I'm "attractive." I've had a lot of people get to know me and say that before they even talked to me they thought I would be an "ass hole" or "douchebag." I dont feel as if I ever appear this way...

Somehow I feel as if just because I somehow "have it alright in the world" that I'm not a minority. My "good looks" have attracted nothing but negativity... I'm not allowed to be a "nice guy" or anything but what everyone tells me I am because of how I look... because I'm different. It's not fair. I'm not allowed to smile and joke around and be stupid because I'm attractive??

Then there are those- my least favorite.. those who... really dont let me escape judgement. I dont know who I am on the outside. My outward appearance is never on my mind. I rarely think "this is what I look like to other people." Don;t get me wrong- I often think "this is what I look like." I'm NOT vain. Im not arrogant. Im not. When I look in the mirror after I get out of the shower I say "this is what I want my hair to look like" or "this is how I wear my clothes." I never say "I'm attractive" or anything... anything like that. I would not likely be attracted to myself if I met myself. I hate the fact that sometimes I feel I have to defend myself.... back to the point I was making- because people judge me - they say I'm "good looking" or... "attractive" ... let me make one point first.. these judgements are just as bad as any others.. and they arent fair. Because people judge me they put me on a side. There are several sides of society... You judge someone as a democrat or a republican and automatically assume they have certain viewpoints- some even go as far as to say they hate people because of their affiliations. I hate the fact that because I'm considered "attractive" the second I let my guard down someone attacks me.

and they dont attack my physicalities- not too often anyway. Only the really superficial people (and there have been several) will stop and examen me looking for things they can find to assure themselves I'm not as flawless as THEY have deemed me to be. the poeple I hang out with.. the people whos company I enjoy have minds. and the people with minds are much more insulting- because I'm not vain. As soon as I let my guard down- smile, joke, laugh, drink a fucking beer they attack who I am as a person. They assume I'm stupid, or most often- immature. EVERY DAY I see myself being judged SO differently than others and even by my own friends. Sometimes I reflect and think that I actually do present myself as slightly less intelligent sometimes just for the sake of being less intimidating.

I hate the fact that I care about people. Im not arrogant and I'm not insecure. I care enough about people sacrifice parts of who I am to bring comfort to people with personal problems. thats exactly what they are- personal problems. I shouldnt have to make myself less attractive in any way to make anyone else feel more comfortable. Mind body or otherwise. It really gets to me when people call me selfish or arrogant or an asshole... simply because it seems like society itself not only gives me the right, but assumes and practically tells me I should be.

I have a mind and a spirit that I have been told in many ways by many people is not allowed to inhabit this body.

When I hug a tree people look at me weird because I shower and I shave.
When I crack up or joke around or make weird noises I feel like people judge me. I always feel as if people are constantly trying to bring me down because I have something they want. I'm not being arrogant in acknowledging the fact that according to other people I have something society deems valuable.

I cant even defend myself without sounding like an ass. I write poetry. I hug trees. I'm not stupid because I talk to animals and acknowledge peoples feelings. I'm not naive because I accept people for who they are. I'm not unintelligent because I dont judge. I'm not immature because I like to have fun.

I shouldnt have to feel like I just want to be left alone... I don't want to be alone... and even my closest friends make me feel like I am sometimes.

Path of the anti-christ.

I've heard people complain about the war in Iraq.. and compare it to the Holocaust. I've heard people make comments about the recent events at Virginia Tech.... but, no one ever complains about the Reign of Terror. I guess as long as people like your reasons you can do pretty much whatever you want.

It's raining.

Tonight was one of those nights that reminds you who you are- one of those nights that reminds you who you are not. . . Tonight was one of those amazing nights where everything is right.

It doesn't need to be explained. It's raining. I love. You should too.

..and he doesnt sing songs any more..

I've spent so much time confessing to the world and trying to be who they told me I was that now its hard for me to confess to myself that that's not who I am.

I love you..

My life has been a journey, trying to give my love to all types of boys and girls- and remembering with each step that youre one of the only people Ive ever met who actually deserves it.

Every time I was bitter about the love I gave to someone else I realized a bit more why I held it against them that they didnt appreciate what love I had to give.

I'm bound to meet an entire world of people and its frightening knowing that if I had you I wouldnt give a damn.

I'm sorry I dont have the courage to tell you these things.

Every time I realize I cant give someone what they need, every time I realize that I cant fix someone, every time I realize that I cant be everything to someone- I become just a bit more afraid that I cant be everything to you. I become just a bit less confident that I can be everything you deserve. I become just a bit more forlorn and a little more sad that I cant be everything you ever wanted.... and twice as sorry I assume I know what that is.... then just as bewildered as I realize I have no idea... and every day I go on without you is another stone supporting the foundation of this feeling that its not me.

Every move you make, every breath, every word you speak suggests I try... I do... I am... I've never been more afraid of failing anything.

Desperate times call for Humanity.

About ten minutes ago, I was at the Giant down the street. On my way in, a woman pulled up next to me in a shabby old van and explained to me that her father had just been rushed to the hospital after having his third heart attack. In tears, she told me that she was running out of gas and didnt have the money to pay the 12.50 parking fee at the hospital and asked me if I could help. So, I told her to wait outside.. I had brought only twenty dollars out with me (as I do in an attempt to avoid spending money too loosely) and intended to buy a few things. I'm sick... at my wits end and only slightly depressed lately. I bought some shampoo (5 dollar shampoo. because thats how much shampoo costs at Giant). While in the store, as anyone might do I ran a few paranoid thoughts through my head, reminding myself not to lean in her window or dwell too long aroud the vehicle since I intended to give her the ten I expected to receive in change... I also ran through my head a list of people I could call.. first, I called Jen, thinking I just needed someone to talk to on the phone for a few minutes- my call woke her and I let her go. Then I called April thinking she'd likely be awake, drunk and could probably help make light of the situation- but, was glad she didnt answer in case anything serious should happen. Finally, I called Mitchell... there's not enough space here to explain my reasoning for that choice. None answered but Jen and after waiting in a very slow line for a few minutes I made a call to Kathy (one of my roomates) as a last resort and was hung up on- probably by either her or Derek who could have been (understandably) sleeping. I took the ten I got in change and as I placed another four dollars in my wallet I thought to myself, "I have fourteen dollars.. why am I giving her only ten?" As I walked outside she had parked next to my car and I made my way around to the passenger's side between our two vehicles. She rolled down the window sobbing and I handed her my change saying, "I hope everything works out for you."

I spent my ride home in the place I usually get stuck just before crying. I know what its like to feel like that. I dont like the fact that a person could come to me crying and desperate and I live in a world where its only smart to beware of danger or to suspect you're being tricked into giving your money away. I hate money anyway. For some reason I thought about Kelley Greene. I also thought about what else I could have done... I don't know what to say.

People should love. People should be loved. I dont understand this world.

Poets serve only themselves.

Bruce: what are you thinking about sir?
Joe: I don't know. how much I have to do, and poetry and it's pissing me off, because I never stress out about anything!
Bruce: lame what poetry
Joe: writing it
Bruce: oh thats easy, whats annoying is reading some other poets bull shit

Buckingham

when i tried to escape the pull of the season
and made my decisions beyond all good reason
when weather was changing i tried to resist
my unusal cycle or lovers and trysts

he knew me in winter- we made it til spring
when i let go of nothing just to avoid suffering
i asked him for little, he gave me much less
and beyond emotions, i wasnt impressed

id reflect on love that id known in the past
when i gave without question, still little to ask
i learned from mistakes that it wasnt about
being cared for but caring [but, wantings allowed]

so i put forth the effort like birds building nests
working straight through the season with alsmost no rest
but the home i was building- i built it alone
til i let it fall down to the sidewalk...
this tree was old and bare..
and i was in no mood to settle anyway.

He did it

wrong again.

You can love someone with your entire heart

but, still-

you can only love someone as much as they will let you love them.

To a Lady from Her Lord, with as much love as he posesses.

The realization had presented itself to him many times before but, he had always found some way to justify expelling it from his mind. It couldn't be. It wasn't true. He could list reason upon reason in his head that should have only served to defeat their purpose but, still somehow he managed to do a great job remaining oblivious. The truth was that it was real. The truth was that everything he somehow knew without knowing was entirely right.

As he drove to the place he struggled to find a way to call home despite his lifetime of misunderstanding of the word, the cool air rushing in the window past his cigarette and to his face accompanied by the songs that played on the radio only served to feed the catharthis he was experiencing that very moment. As he thought about about what he held in his left hand and everything it meant to him- his cigarette, what it was to him as a result of what he knew it to be to his mother, what he understood it to represent and actually physically come to be as a part of his life, he stepped further into thoughts of everything. The tears rose under his eyes but, just as most times, never managed to escape and as his mind merged with reality for a brief moment he said outloud, "I miss you." It lasted only a moment and the detachment set in again. It was apparent now that should he step into reality at this point there would be more than just a brief moment of a complete lack of control over anything.

He had said to himself several times recently, "I want to be in love." Reflecting on memories and recalling feelings from the past. Unhappy with the current state of things, he was also often frustrated by the fact that he was trying to direct himself toward something other than what already existed. His realization was that his entire life he wanted nothing more than to be everything he realized his father was to his mother and their family after he died- and that his confusion arose from the fact that at the same time he was seeking everything his father was supposed to be to him. Remembering and actually acknowledging her then, he dropped his sword and shield. He forgot about the battles. He neglected the idea of his waring worlds. He accepted his own state of mind and soul and planning and defenses. His thoughts changed. He changed, and instead of saying to himself once more, "I want to be in love"- he realized he was.

He wants to love you.

Confidence was no longer his. Detachment proved worthless. In his vulnerability -the vulnerability of his truth- the fiery eyes that once sought out the challenge of a defiant gaze faltered and dulled as he looked away. His head turned slightly, revealing the realization of his inability to deny this any longer. Simple in his complexities, he was never one to say more than what needed to be said. His voice, solemn and clear, in such a soft way that would resonate in any heart brave enough to listen uttered only,
"Do you think of me?"

In that moment he gave more of himself away than he ever dared. In those words he forfeited a part of himself he had never given anyone- he was honest.

[I believe in second chances...

Im feeling this a lot more than I thought I would. The weather is amazing. I love it. I made Jen come with me to visit my tree today. It was happy.

You cant fall for the sake of falling.
Ive got to decide whether I want him to try or if I want to give up.

I'm going to remember at least one thing someone says to me every day.
Today Kyle said, "I dont need you to give me the break down."


..but at least try the first time.]

I want to be in love.

[like that again].

You've got sand in your trunk, Baby Elephant.

I can feel everything going down slowly. Sinking like an overloaded ship... more like a helium baloon thats just slowly but surely deflating and falling to the ground.

Everyone keeps asking me why. I dont know why. I have no idea. Its kind of odd- the way I do things. Whats sad is that there are things I do know...

Exams. How many have I missed thus far? well.. .Im thinking three. I'm thinking I finally came back had everything together and then terd by terd it was all shat upon. I couldve easily had a 4.0 this semester. without a doubt. All I had to do was go to classes. Thats it. And somehow I managed to fuck that up. What was I doing instead of going to my classes? Wasting my life. Wasting my life and time with people and places that arent worth it doing things that are going to have no effect whatsoever on my future. What was I doing? Making sure I'm stuck here for another year.

I just spent a week driving around southern states with April Kathy and Micah. We went to Folly Beach South Carolina and stayed in thie semi sweet beach house with some random dudes the first night. After a 9 hour drive. We played effing .. cranium. Thats what it was. And drank.. and chilled in the hot tub down below. The beach the next day was lovely. Almost vacant. The houses line the beach like little boxes on a hillside. We had the strangest waiters everywhere we went. This one guy at some place called Taco Boy was pretty cool. He pointed at us with bull-horned fingers everytime he asked if everything was okay. When april commented on how she liked the coffee press his response was "yeah man.... shit...." and when he took our empty plates he did a little jig with the words "get it outcha way" sung to a little tune.

The next day after beachin it up we went to orlando and stayed with Kathys friend Cameron. He was pretty cool. April managed to spill beer all over the futon in their spare room... I spilled beer all over the leather couch in the livingroom... Kathy just wanted ice cream the whole time.. Micah spent a significant amount of time bleeding. We made the 20 minute or so drive to Cocoa Beach every day to get our daily dose of sun. Yes. It was nice. One waitress we had here was... well.. I wanted to buy her a toothbrush. She was odd and tried to have a cool attitude for us "spring breakers." The busser forgot to bring out rice and she came out and said "Im sorry. We're still teaching our busser to read. He's so stupid I dont want to smack him I just want to smack his mother." Then there was some chick at a pizza hut we went to with no tits. We leave big tips. mos def.

Our last night was spent in Atlanta, GA. Christ its a beautiful city. I'm going to have to visit it in the summer months to see how humid it gets...

I stopped the enttry there... and lef tit unpublished.. and I'm not to enthused about finishing it. Anyway- Atlanta is very nice. The weather here is great. I'm happy to be home. I miss my sister.

I express too much.

That was horrible.
Why do I allow people to negatively influence my thoughts..

I obviously cant care about him the way he needs me to if im thinking like that... and I shouldnt wait around until I become destructive.

the difference between real life and tv/movies is in the movies someone can say "i just cant do this" or "im leaving you" or "this isnt working" and then everything is fine. In real life people want explanations... including myself. I dont want to just dismiss him... but, if its the only choice he gives me what can i do...

I care too much.
[paragraph deleted]
oh my god fuck my brain.

ok so im editing this post.. extending..
for whatever reason, randy is really sarcastic about our relationship.. and whatever insecurities he has about it... are starting to make me really insecure. everyone gets burned. hes got the whole imaginary audience-personal fable thing going on and i dont know how to deal with it. i dont know how to convince someone that they can open up to me. i dont know how to make someone fall in love with me. i didnt think it was supposed to be so much work. i thought you were just supposed to be yourself. if i were being myself.. i dont know that id still be around. i dont know what im doing. i dont feel like such a great person right now. being put in these positions where so much is dependent on me makes me realize how really .. not up for it i am at times. we arent allowed to talk about it.

Survey question number 40:

Are you currently looking for a relationship?
Randy: I wish swinging wasnt so gauche.

sometimes he makes me want to put up with him
just so i can break his heart later.
yes. thats malicious.

what im saying is im open and putting my heart on the line
and hes closed and dealing with... i told you... personal fable.
if he cant realize that on his own and either get over it or be respectful about it
why should i.

No worries.

Today is my dad's birthday.

He looks like Yin and Yang

Is this dog not beautiful? He is sitting at the Baltimore Animal Shelter right now. His name is Rosco... and its very sad to know that Im here and he's there.. probably not being adopted.

I will love you forever if you go get this dog for me.


So, that headache the other night? Horrible. Randy came over last night. Needless to say, I missed all my classes. It actually makes me feel pretty bad.

My hands are not only warm but, they are dry right now. I always have the clammiest hands. Freezing and sweaty all at the same time. I dont know what it is. I couldn't find a lighter earlier and considering that I grew up watching my mother light cigarettes on the stove when she couldnt find one I've always had the memory in the back of my head. As I've done several times before, I went to light a cigarette on the stove and set my head on fire. Seen my hair? Yes. I smell like burning.

This weather is ANNOYING. Warm then cold. Rainy, Snowy, dry. Hell. I want to go to Dubai. I think it might be fun. Tomorrow Im going to check out the info for study-abroad. See what my options are. Should be interesting. I think France might be boring.. England- passé.. and Spain, a bit daft. Listen to me trying to be punny, who am I kidding- Im sure either place would be fun. England however, does seem slightly less exciting, France seems so.. stale.. not stale.. I have already formed my ideas about places. France would be such clean fun. Spain might be a bit too exotic and well, anywhere else- I have the preconcieved notion that I wouldnt get anything done. I would get lost in Japan.. and I dont mean lost.. I mean I might never come back.

What excites me about Dubai is its.. novelty. GOD what I would give to be an Architecht in Dubai. This picture is of the Burj al Arab hotel. Its somewhat disconcerting that they say Dubai is going to be the world's Las Vegas but, wow. To me this is a step into the future as I imagined it as a kid. Its not an expansion of the state of current existence- its development, advancement, beautiful. To me, this would make pursuing a career in architecture worth it. Not designing cookie cutter homes in planned communities. I think they should all be burned. There is noting to be proud of in giving yourself up to a career so that you can make enough money to buy into what everyone else has. Having a house that looks just like one out of every four of the others in your neighborhood is.. sad to me. Stepping into a yard, the professional landscaping of which was decided before you even moved into the house is completely disenchanting- flattening acres upon acres of beaufitul earth to have everything newly constructed is entirely unappealing.

Crescent-Hydropolis Resorts PLC is constructing the world's first underwater hotel in Dubai. It should be done this year. When I was a kid, these were the things I wanted to do. Build skyscrapers, homes with character, underwater hotels and even communities, bridges but, just like everything else in life, when I started to "grow up" somewhere along the lines I was told "you get a job to make money." I was told you cant build houses under water. I was told Veterinarians go to school for 8 years and then struggle to open and maintain their own facilities. I was told that Architects arent allowed to be artists, they design where the money is and how the money says to design. I was told that I had to follow one set of rules- go to school, get good grades and graduate with a degree.. that only taught me to follow another set of rules once I was done with that. Thats why I didnt go to art school- Not even artists are allowed to be artists anymore.

Im going on a tour of Europe 2 summers from now, I've decided. April says she is definitely going but, I'm determined- alone or with company, I go.

I suppose I should explain everything thats changed between my mother and I. Randy calls his mother "mother" and he doesn't hesitate to say something along the lines of "hey, thats what I call my mother" whenever I refer to mine as such although, I'm sure I've addressed mine in such a way for much longer. I think it's cute though. I'm not so impersonal with mine anymore. It always makes me even more happy with my choices when people brag about their "uniqueness" and "differences" and exhalt what they call "problems" and I can be content in knowing I, too once felt the same- and have grown up. Now, that wasn't specfically about Randy. I meant in general. My point in bringing up mother is that its an explanation that I feel I should be too responsible to write at the moment.... and further explanation of my explanation for that explanation: I need to go to bed. I have class in 7 hours and... I really should attend.