This will be..

Spot is under the willow tree. I dug him from an unmarked grave- directly inbetween the two spots my mother and Eddie guessed were where he was buried after they finally told me, and I moved him. I have not cried. His death was stolen from me... it is nothing I can suffer.

Today it rained. Mother asked me if I wanted to take Sarah to 48th street at 9. I said I did not which was followed by,"I drove you everywhere." to which I replied, "I have nothing to say to that" and went in my room. "You wil not do this here. If youre going to do this you need to go somewhere else." What I did- nothing. I've realized that refusing to comment, refusing to fight, refusing to be angry tends to anger others more than anything you can do. I suppose she wanted to fight.. and was trying to start a fight. I packed my things and put them in my car. She came outside saying "I never told you to leave." I have picked Sarah up from work at 1am. I have driven her places. I pay for the gas to put in the lawnmower that I cut the grass with. I am home with my step-brothers when they leave and do not bother to tell me where they are going. My mother does not know how to say, "no" to my sister. She has a lot of stress and anxiety problems. She is afraid of disappointing or making my sister angy therefor, she comes to me to take her somewhere and gets angry. Since I refused to take my sister for 48th street, I suppose that in her eyes I would be to blame for making her angy and she feels she has no choice but to do so. I did not mention all of the things I do and have done because I don't mind doing them. I did however, tell her that it is not my fault that she cant say no and that he driving me places when I was in high school has nothing to do with it. I accept little from my mother these days beyond food. She has a habit of holding things against me. I told her I did not come home to babysit and I did not come home to drive people around. I took my sister for 48th street. The point was that my entire life my mothers problems have been mine. I dont want them. I dont want them in my life. I want my mother in my life... this doesn't seem to be working. I don't mind giving my sister a ride. My mother's own personal problems should not be transferred to me. [things i cannot say] Sometimes I think I should move away. Put myself in a situation where I have little contact with her. Going away to school improved our relationship... but, I would only be disappointed by the fact that the only way to have a mother was to leave mine behind and ultimately have none at all.

I need to leave.