I'm naked.

I sewed a button on my pink shorts. I can wear them now. My very favorite shorts that I have saved but not worn in almost 2 years have a straight rip down the front of the left leg. Im just going to sew a white line right down the rip. I feel slightly manic right now. Its pretty much my favorite feeling ever.

I feel like I've accomplished many things recently. I haven't really. Maybe just sorted some things out in my head. It feels good. I'm quite unhappy with people- as far as relationships go. They all seem so jaded... scarred... everyone has some excuse for why they repeatedly attempt relationships- only not really. Have you ever just wanted a best friend? Sounds kind of exclusive, I guess... but, it is. That's what I really want out of a relationship. After you've been in so many you learn to recognize when someone is what you want and when they aren't. Maybe you just begin to regard everyone as something you dont want... I tried to say that without rambling. I cant. You know the feeling you get when stars and trees and breezes and music and sounds and the world captures your senses and strikes your heart dead center? you should.

I think the first time... No, I know the first time that I fell in love... Thats not a good place to start. I'll start with the explanation. See, I used to lay in my yard in the grass during the wee hours of the morning and look straight up into the clear sky. I used to look up into the branches of trees, jump into the ocean, breath in fresh air, watch plants grow, listen to pleasant sounds... This was love. I was in love with life. Simplicity, complexity, purity, color, sound. The first time I fell in love I realized I could feel all of these things that I found in almost everything amazing and find and feel them in a single person. An entire world of innocent, simple love- and entire world of feeling encompassed in what I felt for a single person. That is amazing. Later on I came to realize that it wasn't just a world entirely made of good feelings.

Honesty, trust, humility.. All the things that so many of the people that I meet are afraid to experience for whatever reason they seek to justify their fear with... I want those things. Every single thought and feeling that leaves you open to the greatest hurt- thats what I want back. I look at a few of my exes... well I looked at them going into our relationships realizing they were pretty much everything I just described... I manage to end all my relationships rather forcefully. They tend to stay that way throughout their duration. What do I mean by that? I mean Almost every relationship I've been in, I have spent the entire time (in different ways) pushing, pulling, saying "stop it.- stop being afraid. I dont even care if I'm not the one you want to be with but for your sake and mine be open to letting someone in." People eventually adopt the notion that in order to let you in, you must first prove yourself. I've never been with anyone that genuinely wanted love. I've been with a lot of people that "know" they are worthy and that, should they want to, they should have, deserve or could earn my trust while setting up boundaries, hurtles and tasks I must complete to get into the hearts they guard so vainly. What are you guarding for? The ones that I find are the least likely to let me in are the ones I like the most. The one's I love on principle. They are the ones I know that, somewhere along the line were genuine and honest, caring and trustful. They are the ones that I know would probably never let anyone in again until they decide and that I have absolutely no influence over whether or not they love me. They guard their hearts so visciously because they actually have hearts.

Sex is often the last thing I think about. I don't think I have any pure lust in me.

It's starting to get old though... The jaded and broken-hearted. The wounded all up-in-arms.

My recent relationship with Randy was probably the most fun.. probably just because it is the most recent. What I liked about it was that I gave him just as much of a chance as he gave me. I was more on the offensive, though. With an attitude that would suggest "I'm not working for your trust. I'm not going to try. I'm not breaking down any walls. I'm not sitting patiently until you decided you want to commit to the decision we've made." Ah. I'm just as scratched as everyone else. Right before him is when I started to get it. That's what made it fun. It was like testing a hypothesis. If I actually do what were in this to do.... I probably could've love him. He was boring and cared too much about what everyone thought of him... I liked it though. He seemed like he actually wanted to be intelligent and wasn't intelligent just for the sake of flaunting it.. he flaunted just enough to annoy me into thinking he didnt have anything worth flaunting but, not so much that I didn't see that he did.

That's the first relationship I've actually cared about in a while. Not in the sense that I was in love or trying to be.. but, ... it just mattered to me in a way. I've had others and didnt really have the mindset for them. I've gotten a would-be best friend out of a relationship. Doesn't know how to care much about anything other than himself or things that have to do or are involved with his immediate surroundings.. I loved him simply because of this fact and the fact that he tried to. Those reasons are spent.

I was in a relationship with a girl that got to me.... well I dont know how to explain it. She was much more complex.. like she had been hurt... but instead of bearing in on the outside like everyone else... with obvious barricades and barriers .. she somehow.. I dont know.. she had them but, didnt. AH. I just got it I think... the difference between her and all of these other selfish ass holes -that's what they are, selfish, self-centered, conceited, asses- is that she actually hurt. I could see it in her. Shit happens to everyone. Everyone hurts. The difference between her and everyone else is that she didnt detach. She didnt forget or ignore or hide. When she was hurt I knew she cried about it. I knew that she FELT. Sadness. She remained opened to love and be loved because she didnt handle it the way others seem to. I admired the fact that she opened her heart and left it open, even when it hurt. I hope it never gets the best of her.

Actually... all the girls I've loved were like that. Guys and girls really are different....No one likes to hurt... but a lot of guys deal with it, as if to say "well, I wont then." None of them are so skilled, though that they can shut off that one emotion without screwing up all the others.